It’s the end of a long day. You’ve been going since early, taking care of all the things, wearing all the many hats you wear. And it’s not all sunshine and roses.
Some days you are spent, you just want to relax, but you can’t seem to get yourself to that state. Maybe you use wine as a shortcut to relaxation, but maybe you’re finding that in the big picture, it’s not helping.
If you find yourself wired and tired at the end of the day, desperate to downshift but aren’t sure how to do it, you’ll want to start thinking about relaxation in a different way.
Stressors are all around. There are the close up ones of your job, your relationships, your kids. That’s not to say that those are all stress, but let’s just say it’s possible that at times, they are a source of stress in your life.
Then there are the stressors that are possibly not so immediate for you but they loom large, especially when you want to stay informed of what is happening in the world. Think of things like climate change, the global pandemic, and the skyrocketing cost of putting your kids through college.
So at the end of the day, you’ve got all this stress in your body. Your nervous system is on high alert, it’s ready to deliver you to safety by fighting, fleeing, or freezing.
And you just want to relax.
Before you relax though, you’ve got to complete the stress cycle. You’ve got to deal with the physiological consequences of all those stressors. The best way to do this is with movement. You can bounce, shake, and shimmy, you can go for a walk, a run, or a bike, or you can put on your favorite playlist and dance around your house, (your family might join or, or if you have teenagers, they’ll probably roll their eyes at you.)
When you make a habit of moving your body, consciously releasing stress that has built up, you communicate with your body that you are safe.
You set the scene for being able to relax.
Health educator Emily Nagoski writes about the importance of this practice in her book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.
This is the upside-down world we live in: in most situations in the modern, post-industrial West, the stress itself will kill you faster than the stressor will-unless you do something to complete the stress response cycle. While you’re managing the day’s stressors, your body is managing the day’s stress, and it is absolutely essential to your well-being-the way sleeping and eating are absolutely essential-that you give your body the resources it needs to complete the stress response cycles that have been activated.
Physical activity is by far the most efficient and effective way to complete the cycle, but there are also other ways.
Social connection and touch. Spend time interacting in a meaningful way with people you care about and trust. Nagoski recommends the “twenty-second hug” or having consistent physical contact with a pet.
Laughing and Crying. “Laughter is the best medicine,” is not just a platitude; deep down belly laughs are a powerful antidote to stress in the body. Letting yourself experience this level of enjoyment signals to the body that you are no longer in danger, and it ‘mops up’ some of the lingering physiological effects of the stress response.
Aso for crying … well, we all know the immense relief after having a good cry. Releasing your emotions is a powerful way to complete the stress cycle. Tears are soothing because they activate the parasympathetic nervous system – that “rest and digest” mode that allows us to heal and relax.
Sobbing can also boost your mood because of the way you breathe when you are sobbing. Tears can also ease pain because they stimulate the release of oxytocin and endorphins. It take a few minutes of crying to feel these benefits, so don’t tell yourself “everything is okay, don’t cry,” right away, even if that’s your natural way of responding to tears.
And speaking of self-talk, reasoning your way out of stress is not an effective strategy for completing the stress response.
The switch comes from dealing with the physiology of your body, not the thoughts in your head. You cannot just choose to complete the cycle and start to relax already.
You have to provide your body what it needs to complete the cycle, and then start to attune yourself to the signals your body is giving you that it has done just that.
